Shall you pick me up from the coffee morning? As long as you don't drag me in. Ladies stare at you so.
They give you looks that'd knot your underwear. I hope you'll always be shy with the ladies. Except for me.
As long as you're not shy with me. You know I'm not.
Would I read to you aloud from my owner's manual if I was shy?
You are the first and only woman I have ever read an owner's manual to.
Barry, I remember. I remember everything about our honeymoon.
I wish that's all I had to do.
Stare at the water.
You're only interested in water when there's a Marina.
Why are you doing this impression of a man in a hurry with a tin of emulsion? It could be his cover.
I bet you-know-who is waiting somewhere with a ladder and a big flat brush. I beg your pardon.
This is lawful decorating within the bounds of wedlock.
It's Pearl.
What colour are you doing, Pearl?
Glowing White. Are you having trouble finding her in the dark? It's losing her that's his trouble.
It's people like you that start wicked rumours.
It's people like thee who'd better watch where they put their glowing-white finger marks.
MOBILE RINGS What's tha brought that for? I thought we were a mobile-free zone.
There's someone keeps trying to reach me. I keep missing the call.
Who's trying to reach you? I don't know, do I? I keep missing the call. RINGING CONTINUES
Looks like tha's missed it again.
SPLASH!
Can I be of any assistance, Mr Truelove?
Thank you, lad, but I think you've just solved our problem.
Don't just sit there, Alvin. Pick the phone up.
Is he very wet?
Will he stain the upholstery?
You should have thought of that, lad, before you got him wet.
I hate sitting in wet things.
I hate you sitting in wet things in here. Cheer up, Barry.
It was a nice river to go in. Looked very clean.
Don't fuss, Barry. He's drip-dry, non-iron. It's not as if you've got to have him dry-cleaned.
How did it get in the river?
It was easy. He threw it in.
I did not throw it. It jumped.
Then they threw me in. Don't exaggerate. We only dropped thee for a second.
Be fair, man. We kept your shoes dry. I wish you'd kept him all dry.
I hate the place smelling of wet customers. Don't tell Nora I've been in the river. She'll only worry.
Her only worry is you got out again.
She pretends not to care.
And she does it very well.
I keep hoping she'll settle down.
I hate having this power over women.
Did you drop him on his head? Oh, he's been barmy longer than that.
Well, it's dry, but whether it works or not, we'll have to find out.
This your number?
Hello, what are you doing here?
I've promised my staff a morning tea break.
Well, it was either that or a hike in wages.
I want your most attractive buns... left over from yesterday.
MOBILE RINGS
Lock the doors. Nobody move. Now, let's not panic.
I want absolute calm until everything's been recovered.
Hello. Who is this?
It's me.
You'll have to ring back. There's an emergency here.
PHONE RINGS That'll be my unknown caller.
Will you be told?! There's a crisis here.
Missed it again.
Is tha dry enough for libraries, Alvin?
Not only dry, but in wonderful physical condition for a person in the last bloom of youth.
Of course he's dry. Look how much time he had to get dry before Auntie found that last penny.
The worst thing was having to stand for so long in one place. When Auntie says don't move, she means it.
I felt like a heron. Tha looks more like a sparrow.
That caller never rang again. I might never find out who it was now.
Oh, Inspector Truelove.
Retired, madam. Hard to believe when so in your prime.
If it's prime you're looking for, Alvin here is in peak condition.
Despite being recently dropped on his head. I used to hang-glide.
I'm highly trained at being dropped on the head. Men are so daring!
It's true. We laugh at danger.
I'm afraid laughter is not permitted on library premises,
and you, Inspector Truelove, have something I must have.
I thought I'd returned all my library books. Your mobile phone.
Also not permitted on library premises. But I shall guard it, Inspector, as if it were my own.
And who knows? Perhaps one day it could be.
Will someone please tread on Alvin?
I think she's a fan of yours.
You can't rely on it.
They start out as a fan, and before you know it, they're the former Mrs Truelove.
He's off again. She haunts him.
I think he misses her.
She misses me.
She's missed me with frying pans, hammers, bricks... Very partial to your blunt instrument was Mabel.
Come on then, Truly, tell us - what does she really look like?
You won't believe it. She's not for those of a nervous disposition. Oh!
A lot like Nora Batty. Don't mess about. Give us a description.
It's not something I would do lightly to a friend.
I'm not prying into detail, you understand, but was she big or small?
She's both.
How can she be both?
Where she should be small, she was big, and where she should be big, she was small.
He does spin some fanny.
Show us a photo. A photograph?
Of the former Mrs Truelove? I've only ever had one. Well, show it us.
Are you sure about this? Come on - let's have a look.
He carries her next to his heart. In his back pocket.
It's my favourite.
It's caught her just at the angle that shows her at her best.
There - the former Mrs Truelove.
KNOCKING AT THE DOOR
How do I look, Cleggy?
Just a minute, Howard, while I get the wagons in a circle.
I just wanted your opinion, Cleggy.
Well, it's not really suitable for wearing round here, Howard.
Unless you're gonna stumble across a herd of buffalo. You're going to start people talking, Howard.
But it is suitable while people are rehearsing for Rose Marie.
There are Indians in Rose Marie.
You're in Rose Marie?
Well, not exactly IN it. ..But there's no harm in looking like you're in it.
You'll be in it if Pearl catches you. How many feathers is Marina wearing?
Does Pearl know that you've got a squaw? I don't know why people jump to these conclusions.
She looks at thee, Truly, like tha's leather-bound with gilt lettering.
Take Uncle Alvin's advice - strike while the iron's still lukewarm.
What a wonderful gift you two have for being irritating.
MOBILE RINGS That'll be my phone.
RINGING STOPS Oh, damn!
Oh, Mr Truelove, don't get up. I've been hoping for the opportunity
to give you a tour of the library services.
In the confusion, I seem to have forgotten. Did I stamp his book?
Judging by his expression, I'd say yes. He looked well stamped to me.
He's gone.
I know that look.
What are you plotting?
What would tha really like to see?
A dry pair of trousers.
I'd like to see Truly in a panic.
I mean a major panic.
Like if he somehow got the idea that the former Mrs Truelove was on his trail.
You're wicked. You know that, don't you?
That's what friends are for.
How!
It's not so much "how". It's "when"?
Ah, Smiler!
Alvin, go inside the shop. Keep Auntie busy whilst I have a word with Smiler.
Oh, go on, throw me to the vampires. She won't bite thee. I bet she would if it was dark.
I thought they weren't supposed to be able to stand direct sunlight. It bounces off her concealed purses.
You don't have to buy anything.
Just browse.
He's quite right.
There's no obligation to buy. Although there may be serious financial penalties.
If I'm not out in an hour, report me missing.
When's your lunch break, Smiler?
Lunch break? He brings greetings from some other planet.
You must stop for lunch!
Don't be putting ideas in their heads. Is it you dreaming these things up in Brussels?
We'll wait for thee in the cafe.
Tom, bring him as soon as tha gets free. ..OK, tha's safe now, Alvin. We're going.
It's too late.
Pearl wouldn't understand.
Her idea of something good to wear is a cardigan.
Listen - I won't hear anything ill about cardigans.
I think the only thing that got me through the first year of my marriage was a good warm cardigan.
If anybody asks, don't forget - I'm in Rose Marie.
I'm not saying it's a leading part.
I suppose you're wondering why I'm dressed like this. Insanity?
Rose Marie.
Howard, you've never looked lovelier.
You make a wonderful Rose Marie.
Did you see Little Rain In The Face...or was it emulsion(?)
Somebody should tell him.
His size, wearing feathers?
He'd never get past Colonel Sanders.
You look like a man who's had a bad morning. I fell under this librarian.
Happens all the time.
Had to dry out my phone.
A wet librarian?
No, that was another occasion.
Then we had to dry out Alvin.
Yeah, well, that shouldn't be a long job. There's not a lot of Alvin.
Quite enough when wet.
MOBILE RINGS Got you this time!
Hello.
It's her! Her?
Mabel! Mabel?
The former Mrs Truelove!
Just lower your temperature, Mabel.
Why have you been trying to get hold of me? What's so urgent?
You want half the fridge-freezer?!
Why are you bothering me? You've got another partner.
Yeah, and I bet he's put you up to this.
I thought he looked a bit shifty. You can always tell.
Why am I expected to believe it's not him?
You've thrown him out?!
You're free and available again?
Mabel, why have you rid yourself of that good man?
Couldn't you reconsider?
Give him a fair chance?
Mabel! Pay attention, Mabel. Stop sharpening your teeth and listen!
You can't have half the fridge-freezer. The two halves don't come apart.
Anyway, you've got everything else. You even kept my razor!
She's hell on razor blades, that woman. Very powerful facial hair.
Has to be commended for impressive follicles.
Essentially, it's a love story.
I like it. Where did you meet her?
At the dog track one evening.
I was there on police business and she came out of trap three like a greased rocket.
Don't lie to me while I'm ironing me best vest. It's a solemn moment.
Come on, where did you really meet her? Actually, it was Clacton.
We were both there on holiday.
She was wearing this flowing garment. I thought it was the refreshment tent.
I press this thing flat, and every time, it can't wait to start to run up your back!
You used to tell these stories about her... I mean, come on, what was she really like?
Shaven or unshaven?
What do policemen do at critical moments when their vests start climbing?
Or is that information in breach of the Official Secrets Act?
Now, Smiler!
All we're planning to do is pull Truly's leg a bit.
Tha knows...have a bit of fun.
Are you receiving me? Over.
He's not really big on fun.
A giggle, Smiler. A bit of a laugh.
Oh, I like a laugh.
I've always been one for a laugh.
Me and the missus, we often had a laugh. She always said I used to make her laugh.
Well, yes. We can see that.
Now, pay attention, Smiler.
Tha's going to help us pull Truly's leg. We're going to pretend there's a woman looking for him.
A woman? Oh, come on, Smiler. You must remember that much.
I wouldn't put money on it.
What woman's looking for him?
You don't know her. She's a stranger. But we want you to tell Truly that this stranger
stopped you in the street and asked you if you knew where Truly lived.
So, what did I tell her?
You didn't tell her anything.
There was no woman.
Just pretend you told this pretend woman you didn't know where Truly lived.
Why would I lie? Don't say you can't lie. Ask Tom. He'll show you.
I only lie in self-defence and financial matters.
You didn't lie, Smiler.
There's no woman. It never happened.
It's a gag, Smiler.
You just pretend there's a strange woman looking for Truly. And then he'll ask you what she looked like.
I don't know what she looked like.
All you have to say is she looked horrible.
How horrible? As horrible as you like. She didn't exist.
Just say "horrible".
You like to be accurate about these things. Do you remember how your missus looked?
Oh... That horrible.
He'll never get it straight.
He's too tall for mental activity. Well, he's had plenty of rehearsal.
I looked him straight in the navel and made him repeat it all. I loved it when he said he enjoys a laugh.
Him and Nora Batty.
Rocks you to your foundations. It's like discovering Tarzan was a cross-dresser.
Hey up, here it comes.
Have you seen Smiler?
Funny you should say that. He's looking for thee. That's what Tom said. Why is Smiler looking for me?
We never asked. We're not ones to pry.
Since when?
I caught mine standing in front of the mirror saying, "How!
It's amazing how soon they start using the mirror more than you do.
What do you mean saying, "How?" How what?
That was it.
Nothing what. Just "how".
We all know they're peculiar, but why was he standing in front of the mirror saying, "How?"
That's a good question.
That's exactly what I asked him.
What did he say? He said "Oh, was I saying 'How'?"
Oh, they lie instinctively.
It buys them a bit of time till they can come up with a better lie.
Maybe you thought he was saying "how". Maybe it was something else.
Maybe he was saying, "Wow!"
I tend to make sure he's got nothing to say "wow" about.
It's a while since I've had occasion to use it. Well, maybe it was a cry of pain.
They do that. Make little cries of pain. That's true.
They're not good at pain unless it's ours.
My Barry's very caring.
She has a sweet nature. We keep warning her.
I suppose we must all have had sweet natures once.
I wouldn't go that far. We've noticed.
Is your Howard good at decorating?
Not really. But it keeps him away from what he thinks he's good at.
My Wally was no good at ceilings.
He was scarcely tall enough for skirting boards.
Mine was tall enough, but he used to splash everywhere. Oh, they do that. They splash everywhere.
I don't think I was with anybody long enough to feel the urge to redecorate.
My Barry likes decorating. I sometimes think he was meant for interior design.
Ooh, you must never let his superiors know about that.
Oh, here's my Barry now.
I'd best be off and see what colour my husband is. Married all those years, and she still doesn't know!
Can you give these ladies a lift, Barry? Of course.
I hope I don't crush this hat.
Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you had.
It was quite expensive.
So was the Titanic.
Speaking of which, is it damp in here?
A sudden rush of customers.
You're probably thinking, "Will she be able to cope?"
We've not come to buy. Just keep thyself in neutral. That's entirely the wrong attitude.
That's shopkeeper discrimination.
We'd just like a word with your assistant. Is Smiler inside? Yes, he is. He's trying on his costume.
They've asked me to advertise Rose Marie. He's got a message for me. Can we have a word with him?
I expect so. It, er...could take a while before he's ready.
Of course, I could gee him up a bit if I had some encouragement.
We claim exemption on the grounds that he's bought something already today. Oh, that was this morning.
After midday, that doesn't count.
He's fair game after midday. What did he buy?
I didn't know he'd bought something. Keeping it quiet, Alvin? Haven't you shown them what you've bought?
Oh, what's the matter, lad? Have you no pride in getting a bargain?
Well, done, Alvin. Let's have a look at it, then.
Just what tha's always wanted, Alvin.
A scent spray.
Ah, brings back memories.
We had to qualify on them in the Vice Squad. Alvin has a keen eye for an attractive object.
In the name of charity, I want you all to promise never to tell a soul.
You look magnificent, Smiler.
Even taller. Why didn't you sell him scent spray? He's dafter than I am. I have to give him staff discount.
He'll never pass under a low bridge in that hat.
A word in your hat, Smiler.
I want a word with you.
There's a...
(Woman.)
..woman looking for you.
A woman? One of those longer-haired things.
"Did I know a Mr Truelove?", she asked.
Who was she?
I've no idea. What did she look like?
Horrible.
No! Worse than that.
Mabel...!
He's gone for it.
We've got him going now. He looks a bit stressed. He'll be even more stressed before we've finished.
Could you get him stressed enough to want to buy a scent spray?
But what's Mabel doing coming here?
Tha can soon find out. She's stopping at the Feathers.
They come here these days for the views, but it must have been pretty wild once upon a time.
It's still pretty wild down Arnold Street.
I'm talking primitive savages.
Me too.
It would be a rough job being a bobby in them days. You wouldn't know what was round the next bend.
Oh, Marina!
Oh, Howard.
You see? It works.
We found each other. Couldn't we just use the telephone, Howard?
Why don't we go further in the trees and improve our woodcraft? We'd better put the fire out first.
I don't think anybody'll ever put my fire out.
Oh, Howard.
Oh, Marina.
Where are you, Howard?
I think I'm on fire, petal.
Oh, Howard, you sure know how to smooth talk a person.
It's a tough life. I've noticed that.
Continually living with the threat of violence.
I suppose it serves us right for getting married.
I know. Don't tell me.
Jerking and lurching.
In these tights, rhythm not possible on clutch.
Do you think it's illegal?
The way he looks, it should be.
We've got to be careful here.
Do you mind if we enquire, sir?
What you're doing dressed like that?
Favour for a friend. Must be a good friend. Try to look like ugly woman. You've passed.
Play joke on other friend.
Do you think it's funny, you lot? Beats buying scent sprays.
We think it's really heart-warming.
Everybody loves a love story.
Especially with a happy ending.
Look at that.
A lonely figure at the window,
waiting for you.
Now, isn't that romantic?
Just like the photograph.
Why's she got her back turned?
It was a private arrangement we had for long summer evenings.
Talk to her. Go on...
Attract her attention. Leave her attention where it is.
Ahem.
The drinks are on me. That's not Mabel. That one's prettier than Mabel.
The Rose Marie was always her favourite!
A Mountie on a horse!
I used to say to her,
"Mabel, I'm a policeman. I've got you. Who needs a horse?"
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd